Hello everybody, welcome! Have a seat right there. I’m sorry that I threatened you I will be back and it took so long before I actually got back, but I had an internet provider-related problem which caused my net speed to go back in time to the ‘80s, reaching somewhere around a few kb/s. That problem (aka some dumbass excavator driver successfully ripped a whole set of cables from a pole while trying to dig a ditch – in which I hope he lies now) wasn’t explained to us, the affected users from the area and we got supplied by the backup line, which is, as I just said if you were paying any attention, most likely from the ‘80s. This meant that I couldn’t possibly load regular web pages (not to mention my porn subscriptions) unless I previously did a few hours of anger management and yoga classes. This low bandwidth hell lasted for about 3 weeks, in which time I prayed that the ISP boss to be struck by a thousand flaming dicks. I also hope the IT manager gets something close to death from a combination of pneumonia and a tomahawk to the head.

As some sort of gift to you, my prized readers, starting from now I will do an additional part called “FanMail”, in which, believe it or not, I will answer to your most interesting questions. It shouldn't be interpreted as arrogance - please - but I just feel like doing this. Whatever you want to ask, I really think I have the answer. How many of them I will answer, I have no idea – it will mainly depend on the quality and quantity of the questions. What should the questions be about? About anything that goes on through your skull – as long as it’s interesting, I’ll do my best to help you, whether it’s physics, stock market, girl problems, healthy diets or homework. If you want to be featured, then simply post your question here or PM it to me with the title “column fanmail” (use that title so I won’t flood your computer with African porn). The column is in a continuous state of evolution and it should have a new feature pretty soon, but that’s my problem at the moment. Don’t let me keep you from reading the latest issue – enjoy!

Polish SC ladder goes international

Apart for being known to steal from Germans (but not as much as Romanians do), Polish people have a rather big appetite for some omelette du ownage à la StarCraft and we’ve all been victims to them at some point in life, which is why many of us lead successful lives as doctors, engineers or clowns, since they taught us this game is not for us. Now that the Polish-infested ladder expanded to reach international status, my advice is to leave them alone because once you played them and lost in an embarrassingly ugly way, you’ll be disappointed by your StarCraft skills. In fact it will be as disappointing as going to Disneyland for Mickey Mouse and see him put on his costume, realizing he’s Mexican.

MinGu leaves eSTRO

The Korean proteam eStro went through some tough times, losing players but more importantly their coach, Daniel Lee. Their most recent loss is the Zerg player MinGu, famous for accomplishing a huge amount of nothing, combined with mediocrity and the fact that he did some sort of breakdance ceremony for being raped in his last televised match by Hwasin. However, eStro pushes on with a will that can only be described by a larger comparison:
To eStro, winning the Proleague is like being a paratrooper that has to skydive 10,000 meters, land successfully in a designated area, grab a bike and ride it for 10 km, then swim 2km and climb a 5,000 m tall mountain. Losing MinGu from the team is like realizing in mid air that none of the parachutes will open, which makes the eStro boss think: “Fuck! I bet the bike’s broken too.”

MYM/ESL KOTH: Fenix vs. Ace

The MYM/ESL King of the Hill had Fenix vs DinOt originally, but due to some issues (voices in my head tell me that DinOt’s dad took him to the hookers), Ace had to step up and fill in the position. Fenix was a pretty good player but apparently his childhood memories still tortured him (I prefer not divulging it, but let’s just say it involves stuffed animals, margarine and an uncle on parole who is left to baby-sit while the parents are out drinking their brains out at a colleague’s funeral) and he wasn’t able to focus, which resulted in a terrible, terrible stomp from the Hungarian with the same name as me. Not Slappy, the other.

MYM: best non-Korean team

I hate writing congratulatory reviews about MYM since it looks like I’m sucking myself, but the thing is that the SC dudes are doing well and they deserve recognition. Besides the fact that the players are as talented at StarCraft as teenage waiters are at spitting in your soup, the managers are actually the strong point, especially Archi, who was just a normal, semi-illiterate boy until the age of 12, when he electrocuted himself by playing with his willy too close to the power plug. He heard a voice telling him “You are the chosen one. You will be the one to deliver the message. The message is in my van”, and this is how a successful manager defeated both high-skilled teams and uncomfortable memories.

ACE loses Clon and ChRh

Ok so the ACE team is not exactly the sharpest knife in the knife jar and the only reason we basically watch their games is Boxer. Now seriously, I’d rather stab myself in the eyes with a plastic fork and choke on a diaper than to see old players from ACE refusing to acknowledge they should stop embarrassing themselves and leave this game. Apparently Clon (dude on the right with the nice forehead) and ChRh (the one in the middle with the "I have a void in my soul" look) got the hint and they left the team; what’s next for them is unsure, but they would probably do well as circus clowns, since they already have experience in publicly humiliating themselves. Interesting how clowns and sodomy are linked in my head now… better not investigate that any further.

ToSsGirL videointerview AND pictures

ToSsGirL is quite possibly the hottest female progamer who didn’t accomplish shit (by the way, I bet all her diehard fans still praise her 2005 game when she beat YellOw ONCE) and since sex sells, I have absolutely nothing against her. I actually advise you to click the hyperlink because there are photos of her. When asked about what she would do in the future, she obviously answered something about saving the world, ending hunger and wars, I really wasn’t paying attention. This dialog
“Mommy, why do I go to school and ToSsGirl plays all day long?
Because you’re ugly, dear.”
makes so much more sense now.

Sea[Shield] in TL Attack

Korean progamer lovers have TeamLiquid as altar, just like gay guys have David Hasselhoff altars (I can’t believe I went to Google to see if I got the spelling right – I saw some pictures of him now and my eyes bleed), no doubt about that. What they did this time is more badass than usual, as they managed to get Sea[Shield] to bust your sphincter on Battle.net – well, he’s Korean so his yogurt cannon is meant to make you scream like a little girl and cry uncontrollably as he has his way with you. The negotiations were pretty tough, since Sea’s English level is, well, close to non-existent, as the TeamLiquid crew tried some subtleties:
“We are in desperate need of a powerful player with a strange name from a weird country…
IefNaij?
No, you! Now save us!”

ProLeague's 2v2 might be removed!

Now this one’s good: the dudes at KeSPA and Korean progaming in general came up with the bright idea of removing the 2v2s. This means that instead of 5 1on1s and 2 2on2s, the ProLeague will have 7 1on1s. Besides the fact that they will kill the careers of specialized 2on2 players, it will be boring as hell and I suggest they find something else to replace these extra 1on1s such as mime choking competitions. I guess KeSPA and a nerd with a boner have something in common: the idea of success makes them faint.

Casy moves to AirForce ACE

Casy is that Terran player known for his shyness – he’s so shy that after winning the 2006 OSL, he didn’t do anything else since apparently the feeling of winning made him blush. He is also known for the OGN coach drama fest, where Casy was discriminated from doing something bad to the coach I guess (I heard he stole his coach’s car radio and sold it to pay his gambling debts and pot addiction to some Nigerian pimps). Things didn’t go well with his new team, WeMade FOX either (read: he played like shit some more) so AirForce ACE, aka progamer graveyard, was the only logical solution. He kinda ruined his pseudo-progamer career, but if you’re religious, Casy, remember this: life’s like a rental car – you mess it up, and then give it back.

ForGG interviewed

In case you don’t know by now, both your idols Flash and JaeDonG have felt the rectal wrath of fOrGG in the MSL. In case neither Flash nor JaeDonG are your idols, I suggest a lobotomy. The thing is this kid (who used to provide hot towels or clean the sunflower seeds after TV matches in the Lecaf OZ house) has risen too much, ridiculously much. When asked about his feelings on meeting his teammate JaeDonG in the MSL finals, he said he wanted to avoid this (he owes him money). He also proceeded to tell how good JaeDonG is and how much he respects him (he owes him money).

Ace[F2F] joins Templars of Twilight

After manhandling that Peruvian dude with many names (Fenix, man, it’s Fenix), Ace got noticed by Mondragon, an ancient StarCraft beast who kills his opponents until they die. He’s into techno music now, I believe, which is why he is not invincible anymore – that music fucked you up, man, wake up! Well anyways, the thing is that Ace joining Templars of Twilight is definitely not surprising, since he’s got skill:
I know you’re in Templars of Twilight. Oh really, how did you know? Did any of my friends tell you, did you read about it somewhere? No, you’re just skilled.
I know you’re single. Oh really, how did you know? Did any of my friends tell you, is it my clothes, my hair? No, you’re just ugly.
See the pattern?

IEG looking for foreign progamers

Hey you! Yes, you! Tired of crushing lesser life forms on iCCup from your parents’ basement at the age of 32? Well look no further, as IEG wants YOU! Wait, no, the guy to your right. That’s right, fellow gamer, now’s your chance to prove yourself: the chance to fly half a globe to go into another basement and play StarCraft with Asian teenagers like monkeys on drugs until you die from a combination of chickenpox and a tomahawk to the head. Ok, maybe it’s not exactly like that. Basically to most of you this would be like going on a 30 day diet and losing 30 days, but laughing at someone else’s failure is one of life’s little pleasures, so for the sake of comedy, join!

GOM: Jaedong crushed Shuttle

The GomTV semifinals had JaeDonG and Shuttle in one side and BackHo with Flash in the other. JaeDonG aka The Legend Killer just bashed Shuttle in a way that’s too brutal to show on Ogrish and such. It was just painful to watch poor Shuttle getting beaten to a bloody pulp, which makes me wonder if there’s anything Jaedong CAN’T do: soon he’ll teach balloon puppetry to Down syndrome kids and self abusing emos or kill tigers with nunchucks just because it’s within his power to do so.

MYM.White-Ra wins 18th Hauppauge Cup

White-Ra, your ideal friendly neighborhood Ukrainian type, is the 18th Hauppauge Cup winner. He managed to defeat big names, which makes the win that more important. His English is not that good, but he still was interviewed soon after the win:
“Congratulations, White-Ra, how were the games?
I like green.
Uhm… do…you…like…StarCraft?
Yes, I tall, but I do not want drink now.”

Fomos interviews BoxeR

Boxer is just the soul of StarCraft (or the 12 penises, for Japanese anime fans that are reading) and that was never questionable. Even though he’s so famous now that he has others playing instead of him (otherwise it wouldn’t justify his embarrassing results lately), he still spends some time multiplying fish and bread, spreading waters and dividing by 0, but he also gives interviews; yes, I advise you to read the interview, because he gives a lot of interesting info. However, curing at least a fatal disease or solving mathematical dilemmas will have to wait, as this is scheduled for his next interview.

iNfernal leaves ToT

The Templars of Twilight just acquired Ace and I just reviewed that, for those with problems in the memory department (in which case you shouldn’t be reading this because you 1) will forget to comment on my great article and b) should be trying to do something about that memory loss (but also don’t forget to comment here). Well apparently iNferNaL (I really think I got the capitalization wrong) decided that being in the most respected and skilled BroodWard team is something lame, which is why he went on to join a German-based money clan who will live between 20 minutes and 3 days tops. This makes me think that he probably can’t get it up from the simple fact that he’s a member of the god damn Templars of Twilight and that he seeks thrill in playing for a couple of hundred euros that will last… well I said how long I think it will last, after which it will be iNfeRnaL and shame, walking hand in hand on Battle.net. Way to go dude, oh and as a matter of fact (Mondragon can confirm this) I never identified you with the ToT tag – you were only iG to me, but not because I have short term memory losses, but because you’re not worthy to be one of the Templars. Also, did I tell you that iNfeRnal left ToT?

sAviOr returns to CJ Entus-A

sAviOr started winning as often as I do at Indian bingo and there’s no secret in that. The CJ Entus management saw his recent results and demoted his ass to Team B aka scrubbing toilets, ironing clothes, foraging for food in the nearby woods and getting hookers for the coaches. Now, this solution may have seemed harsh for the Maestro, but it was all for his own sake. I mean he was getting owned by C class Korean beginners who smashed their heads onto the keyboard like trained seals, which is basically as low as you can get in the Korean progaming scene. I miss those days when sAviOr was evil as shit, when he was ripping guts all over the place, only to eat them after the match and save some in his pants to scare children at parties. Now that he’s back into the A team, I seriously hope he won’t fuck it up and get back to drinking nerd blood, otherwise I suggest the bosses at CJ Entus to install a god damn revolving door at the Team B entrance.

NaDa model for WeMade FOX new uniforms

WeMade FOX just presented their new uniforms, that being with the help of progamers such as NaDa. Now, you may ask yourselves “but Vali, oh great rabi, don’t you hate fashion and people that abuse this obnoxious human custom?” Well, dear fans who know me this well, you’re right: to me, fashion victims are below earthworms on the evolution scale, but I just could not resist writing about this and spewing shit all over it, because, let’s face it: how many other scandalous moments like this have you witnessed? Don’t answer that.

Interview with Midas aka the Baby Bear (!!)

Midas, the Terran player who once upon a time had a disgustingly powerful TvP, is now “that embarrassing dude who doesn’t know how to smile when he wins simply because he forgot how to fuckin win in the first place” and unfortunately I really don’t know that particular game where he made a fool out of himself. Anyways, the thing is that this player who has a disgustingly (did I say disgustingly again?) sugary nickname (seriously, Baby Bear?! I guess that with a nickname like this he takes up the tailpipe every night before sleep from his manlier teammates) is kinda back on track, meaning that he actually won a game or two, which is definitely groundbreaking for him and his fanboys (emos, mostly) can resume pleasing themselves to his picture once more. In case your lazy asses won’t go ahead and read it, here’s the intro:
Any feelings before the interview?
Oh I am so happy about it. I know many other progamers have done it already, but I am excited I finally get to do one myself. Although Bungky (the SKT T1 Mascot) got to do one before me, I am one of the first on my team!
As you can see, even the fucking SK Telecom MASCOT got interviewed before him, which clearly summarizes his skill at the moment. Previously, the SK Telecom T1 mailman, plumber, milkman were interviewed, and this goes to show that Midas is like that drunk chick at parties that nobody likes.

Reach & YellOw on the Military

Reach and YellOw are without a doubt the standards of manliness and sexiness (in that order) and it’s no shame in getting a boner from looking at them, right? (Right?!) I mean it only happened once, for god’s sake. I actually remember dreaming of Reach:
“Hi, Reach, do you want to go out for some pizza and maybe some sex?
What?! Hell no!
What’s wrong? You don’t like pizza?”
He never called. But that’s not the point. The thing is that these 2 KTF mammoths are going to join AirForce ACE and this is fantastic, as you’ll be seeing some of the best Protoss and Zerg players from the good old days going at it. I think I remember reading in the Bible that God used Carriers against the Egyptians to help Moses, that’s how awesome Reach is. As for YellOw, he’s one of the most evil Zerg players out there; he is so evil that he probably breaks into blind people's houses and moves their furniture around – you just don’t fuck with YellOw.

BONUS1: Now playing: Eye of the Tiger.

BONUS2: Ok, one more and that's it. I just couldn't help it.

BONUS3: This one goes out to all you phonebook ripping noobs.

That concludes another issue. Hope you people enjoyed it and forgot about the fact that it was delayed as hell. Remember the fanmail thing and see you soon (I'm afraid of saying next week because shit keeps on happening). Yours truly, vhallee.