First of all I would like to thank the ones that kept messaging me and ask me about the next column: it’s fans like you that make me wanna continue to write. Thanks a lot, you rule!

You may have wondered what happened to me in these last 2 months or so (please tell me you did, it helps my morale so much); the reason is quite simple actually: studies. This is what happens when you’ve been idling for 4 years in university and you have the graduation exams and the B.A. project - you probably start to panic. Well I know I didn’t, because I’m a manly man and I’m not afraid of anything, including ghosts or the dark (well, maybe a little bit).

Having a job, university, other side projects and a social life would require more than 24 hours in a day and since I hate going back in time to change that, I just started dropping tasks; unfortunately, my column was one of them. By the way, I managed to finish my 83-page B.A project in 4 days, and that’s thanks to Manifesto7 (you, sir, are fucking awesome!). It sucks when some of the thing I enjoy doing get booted from my schedule (like jer… jerkey, eating jerkey), but like I always say, life’s like an ass hair: short and full of shit. However I managed to get 500 funny motivational pictures in my profile – go check them out, I’ll wait. Yeah, pictures of boobs are included – that’s some useful piece of information right there.

So I finished my university, I have a degree in Applied Modern Languages, I have quit my job because I will get a better one pretty soon (I will brag about that when the time comes) and I’m doing the driving school right now. It’s amazing to see old people getting the dodging reflex and jump in the nearest bush when they see me driving by at 30hm/h; I’m quite lame at driving actually so it would be best if we don’t meet on the streets anytime soon – I care about not going to jail, you care about not dying due to me being a driver in a moving car.

Since it’s been so long and you got no StarCraft recaps, I will try and give you a glimpse of the most important things that happened these 2 months. Take a deep breath and brace yourselves cause here we go.

JaeDonG 1st in May’s KeSPA ranking

JaeDonG aka the Legend Killer is again ranked 1st, which is really not surprising; surprising is seeing Britney Spears getting some musical talent or Carlos Mencia being funny, which we all know is not going to happen. Anyways, closing in to JaeDonG is none other than the Cheddar Terran, Flash, who, surprisingly enough, did not cheese his way through tournaments. Stork is like that grumpy old man who cuts your football if you accidentally kick it in his yard. Well not exactly like that, but he sucks.


Videointerview: Idra in Korea

You know Idra – the guy that swore to take revenge on all those years of bullying by being good at StarCraft – so you would probably want to see this video, because it shows a new man: he’s stronger, faster, better and he’s got that tiger look in his eyes, which can only mean the Koreans are feeding him crack. He says that his schedule is comprised of cleaning toilets and stuff like that; I say he spends his nights with big breasted hookers but the shock of finding this out is significantly bigger than knowing he’s using his toothbrush in more than one way.


Strelok wins ASUS Spring 2008

The ASUS competitions are pretty well-known to the world, due to the excessive amounts of players that take part and the vodka, which – my sources tell me – is called Lenin’s Tears by the locals. This latest edition of ASUS Spring was won by the Terran player known to you as Strelok, a Ukrainian man who likes party music and does not know the meaning of word mercy, so here it is:
Mercy - can refer both to compassionate behavior on the part of those in power or on the part of a humanitarian third party.
Now that we settled this, it’s only fair to mention that Advocate and White-Ra placed 2nd and 3rd; after this, they presumably got piss drunk and then deported by the Russian authorities for indecent exposure.


SCForAll announces MultiSite Tour

SCForAll.com previously announced a new kind of event, where both StarCraft players and StarCraft community sites can actively participate. The purpose behind this is said to be strengthening the bonds between StarCraft players, and we all agree that this is something worth fighting for. 8 teams and 8 community sites were selected, then each team was given a site as partner; after this they were divided into 2 groups, and the winner of each group would battle it out for the chance to play against eStro in the Grand Finals. Since this happened a few decades ago, I can already tell you that I represented myMYM.com and got MYM as partner team, we won our group stage, we lost to Excello and they lost to eStro. Winning against eStro would have given the victors a shitload of prizes, including a Boxer DVD autographed by the Emperor himself. Before exploding in rage and doing a yo momma StarCraft joke at the winners’ expense (Do you know what yo momma and StarCraft have in common? They’re both great in multiplayer, ha-ha :|) I can only say I will not search the DVD on a torrent site because I respect that man too much. However, feel free to do that for me and then send me the link to it. By your network cables combined, I am Captain Pirate!


HayprO wins DreamHack 2008

HayprO is definitely known for using the Oblivion hack and then being forgiven, even more known than his actual skill; this guy won the last DreamHack and now he faced Strelok, winning again. He is mistaken for an average player like cocaine is mistaken for anthrax (we hate it when that happens) and it’s just god damn amazing. He should have Mondragon’s humble approach to things, cause it apparently works for him and he gets a lot of attention, just like the Mexican immigrants get at the US border.


IefNaij wins the TeamLiquid StarLeague and $5000

IefNaij is a 17 year old Canadian kid who decided to get good at StarCraft. So good, in fact, that he managed to own some progaming asses (including Boxer), not to mention the foreigner versions. Well, guess what? He is good, very good in fact, but not according to StarCraft fans, as he wasn’t considered favorite to win, since Mondragon or Draco were on the list; however, he managed to get the TSL trophy and $5000. His parents were usually not too happy about his gaming career (“Son, why couldn’t you do drugs like the rest of the kids your age? JF’s dad), but seeing as how their kid brought that amount of cash, they suddenly felt proud of him and proceeded to build another wood cabin (that’s what Canadians do, right?) that would host their beaver wrestling ring, a family hobby.


Yayba wins ESL EuroCup

ESL TV designed an event meant to copy the European Football Cup, without all the cussing, hooligans and basically all that is football – I guess this is how you would describe the StarCraft EuroCup. But enough of this – in fact, no, more of this: 8 of the best StarCraft countries had each a representative, the winner being Poland thru its player Yayba. When contacted and asked about how he will celebrate his victory, he said he’s happy he won but he won’t do anything special to mark his win; he will grab some beers, run around dressed in a clown suit and beat up black midgets, just like he usually does on a Saturday night.


NaDa has played 1000 televised games

Lee Yoon Yeol aka NaDa is one of the most important figures in the StarCraft universe, next to symbols such as Boxer, sAviOr and MIStrZZZ; what makes him more special, besides his closet full of trophies and cups, is the fact that his APM allows him to shave a balloon, chop down a block of wood, solve a sudoku and change a diaper, all at the same time. Recently he reached 1000 televised games, (which is a one followed by three zeroes; a kilometer has 1000 meters, a millennium has 1000 years – knowledge is power, kids!) and that’s something you and all your relatives up to the third degree will not be able to do, get that thru your skull. When asked how he feels about winning his 1000th match, he was quite honest: “I don’t really give a shit about this sort of things. ROFL n00bs I don't count my games WTF LOL” – approximate translation.


Dreiven best non-Korean at the WWI (but Stork won)

Blizzard’s World Wide Invitational is an event worth going to, definitely; it’s actually the WoW players’ chance to see how the outside world looks like, which is definitely a gain for them, as well as a source of comedy for us whenever we see them dressed in those level gazillion tauren warlock or whatever they’re called. To us StarCraft players, the WWI was another opportunity to see Koreans bash the others and grab the first places (if:Korean_player_number=x; set_podium_awards=x), no matter how many they are. Dreiven aka the BBQ Toss however did pretty good, but you know... Koreans were in the way. Playing against a Korean progamer is like jumping in a convertible and falling on the gear shifter: anal rape is imminent.
Side note: The Blizzard band is called Level 70 Elite Tauren Warchief and one of their songs is called “Rogues do it from behind”, which is a rather good title.


July wins the EVER OSL

The God of War lives! Back to your hiding places, mortals, cause JulyZerg returned! Well, not only that, but he just bitchslapped everyone in the EVER OnGameNet StarLeague, winning both the trophy and the Golden Mouse that is given to the one that wins 3 OSL titles. For your information, if you win the OSL 5 times you get the Platinum Mouse and if you do that 7 times you get the Jeweled Diamond Mouse; 10 wins earn you the Edible Marshmallow Mouse with Chocolate Filling, by the way, which should make July fight even harder than the rest (ha, what a lame weight-related joke :|). I guess it won’t be long until we will see X-Zibit and Bill Gates as hosts of the “Pimp my mouse” show.

That’s it for now, I hope you enjoyed it; it feels good to be back to my column. Join me next week when I will start something special for you all, StarCraft fan or not. Yours truly, vhallee.

BONUS 1: When life gives you mushrooms, get your horse mask and underwear and start collecting them.
BONUS 2: Slipknot's "People = Shit" track the way it was intended to be.